i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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