I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to align my fucking chakras
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
