omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
