Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I faked an abortion last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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