if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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