I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
