Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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