i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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