he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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