I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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