My liver just broke up with me...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i drank out of a bidet.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
