Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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