part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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