Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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