I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
