I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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