Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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