i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
