a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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