I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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