areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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