i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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