I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just took my morning after pill in the library
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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