My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
