i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize