I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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