Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
