Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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