My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
