He disabled his match.com account in front of me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
