My sheets look like a crime scene.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
