I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
