Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
