when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
