My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
