That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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