and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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