Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
