Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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