If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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