I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
