I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
