I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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