Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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