checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize