oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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