P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
