mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
