He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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