3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
