i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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