Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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