I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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