I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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