Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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