Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
