THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Everyone says I win the strip club
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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