The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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