He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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