Where is the hickey?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
