just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
