We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
