I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
