even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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