So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
