In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
