one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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