OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
