When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am one with the molecules
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
