I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
